I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
