I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
