i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Randomize
