I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
