Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Randomize
