wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Randomize
