Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
My life is pants optional.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
