so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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