just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
