i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
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