she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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