You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
