so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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