6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
