Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
