Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Randomize
