using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
