i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
i think i have two assholes
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
