It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
