FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
there is puke in my bra ... again
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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