I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Randomize
