Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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