I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
