I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
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