she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
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