i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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