my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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