I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
