when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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