We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
