Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
