I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Randomize
