So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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