so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
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