I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
