Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
