When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
