Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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