The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
