Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize
