That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
