Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
