i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
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