my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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