Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
