I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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