DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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