FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Randomize
