I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
