A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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