and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Randomize
