his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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