I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
